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I was planning to write about my graduation on friday- getting my 3rd sgt rank, all the pride, accomplishment, blah blah blah, when i thought, nah, it's not really interesting as a blog post. So i'm not gonna type abt it, but instead, another topic. =)
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Ever since coming back from the shanghai attachment, and my enlistment into NS, i felt that i've drifted away from my family members, and my friends.Maybe it's the time that seperated me and them- the shanghai attachement was a full five months away in some country that's at least a good five hours from singapore, and my NS vocation unfortunately doesn't allow me to stay out every night. So when it comes to the weekends, you can imagine how precious they are to me. And it only consist of 48 bloody hours; in which i've to do all sorts of stuffs and really satisfy all of my cravings at the same time- going out with frens, catching up with old friends, while at the same time, fulfilling my duties as a good son and a good elder brother.
You could say that since i'm already almost 21 years old, i'm supposed to be able to arrange my schedule well, to plan out every single thing, right down to what i'm supposed to do every minute every day. But in my life, for the past 21 years or so, I find that I don't like to plan every single thing, contrary to what people know me as. My friends all often say that i'm very organized, very systematic, very cool and silent even, but somehow, it's just that facade that i put up in my everyday life. No, facade is a rather strong word to use, i would say 'appearance' is more appropriate.
NS, apart from robbing away two years of my life, has somehow changed me. I dunno if it's for the good or for the worse, but somehow, i feel that ever since i entered NS, i've learnt to not take things so naively. I've learnt that it's not good to always show your true feelings out, because you never know who is on your side, and who isn't. In camp, i always put up this fake front in the presence of all my camp mates, of all my colleagues. It's like i'm a different Nicholas in camp as compared to the Nicholas outside. And it really gets tiring sometimes. I sometimes really think, do I have the strength to overcome all of these 'acting' in the camp? But if i don't, then what? What would i do then?
I felt very lucky to have a group of close friends that never fails to cheer me up whenever i'm feeling down or depressed; or to be there to share my happiness with; to keep my company whnever i'm alone. I'm really grateful for them; without them, i don't know who can i turn to.
But it's not that i'm saying my family members aren't there for me. But sometimes, there are certain matters that somehow, i just can't bring myself to tell them about. And since this is a public blog, i sure as hell am not going to talk about those matters here. But i'm very sure those close friends of mine- they'll know what i'm referring to. And here comes another personal dilemma once again- if i stay true to myself, i'm sure that they'll be depressed and disappointed with me. But i'm sick and tired of pretending to be someone that i'm totally not. I'm really confused, really, really confused.
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I'm tired. I'll continue this post another day. Til then. |
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| nicky ♥ 10:16 PM |
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